Ways to waste time and money

I've got plenty, and thought I would share some with the faithful few readers I've got.

1. Wal-Mart Free Samples & Trials. Updated often, you can get free samples of all kinds of crap - shampoos, lotions, dog treats, etc whatnot.

2. Penzey's Spices. I friggin love this place because they have all kinds of unique stuff and you can order neat spice blends in these little jars so you aren't wasting too much if you don't like it or don't know what to do with it. Like, I've got a little jar of Chinese 5-spice powder that I use as a secret ingredient in a lot of rubs and marinades. I also highly recommend the Northwoods Fire seasoning. God I could spend hours on this website.

3. Slick Deals. Hey, it pointed me to a sale on amazon where I got 2 really nice Calphalon stainless steel pots for a total of $20, shipped. Helllooooo.

4. Brads Deals. I advise just signing up for the email list because I find the website really overwhelming. So daily you get this neat little "list of deals" in your inbox. Sometimes there's some really good shit. Like, shoe sales where all Nine West shoes are $14.99. Also has lots of coupon codes and whatnot. Fun. Me Likey.

5. The Pioneer Woman Cooks. She lives out in like, bum-fuck country and raises cows. But, some of this stuff she makes on here looks amazing, I've used a number of her recipe ideas already. And, she's funny and takes delicious photos.

6. This is why you're fat. Reaching for that massive burger dripping with grease, cheese, and bacon? Look at the photos here and you might put it down. I can't believe some of this stuff actually exists. Hilarious.

7. Heat Eat Review. Ever eat those infamous frozen meals at work? This website reviews them, so you might be able to spare yourself from disgustingness.

8. Smart Bargains. I have gotten AMAZING deals on Cole Haan and Kate Spade shoes and bags on here. Right now is a massive bed and bath sale. Its kind of like Overstock.com, but I like it better. Stuff seems higher quality.

So there's 7 things that you can totally waste hours on. Cause I bet you were looking for JUST that. Now you have an idea of the mind-numbing things I do with all of MY free time :-)

Ohhhhh and the money. The money. Me have none. OH well. You can't take it with you.

Disgusting

I ate a filet o' fish for the first time this weekend. Ok, I ate HALF of a filet o' fish for the first time this weekend. I was so insanely disgusted by its disgustingness that I only got through one half of it.

Yeah, I know. Been a long time right and you're like, HEY why are you talking about a stupid fucking sandwich? Well, I blog at work now so I'm kind of down and out on blogging....

In other news, Cooper jumped out of a 2nd story hotel window while we were in Ocean City this weekend. We left him in the room for ONE HOUR so we could grab something to eat. He freaked, "OMG WHERE ARE MOM AND DAD", tore through the screen of the open window and jumped about 30 feet down to a friggin cement parking lot. Awesome. Luckily, someone caught him before he could run too far, shoved him back in the room, and also luckily we didn't go out drinking for hours. We came back, got the low-down from the hotel clerk, and then had to find an Animal Hospital for him as he was limping (and of course I assumed he had massive internal injuries and was near death, because I am a paranoid freak). First 3 we tried, ALL CLOSED. Fucking assholes. They say on their websites they're open...but ooooooeee they're not!!!! Sneaky mother fucking assholes.

So, we find the Pet ER open about 30 miles away. Immediately we think...FUCK, this is going to cost a fortune. Not like I really cared, but still, this dog is one expensive lovable fluffy guy. So, we take him to the Pet ER, where they deem him "fine", give him some pain pills and some spray stuff for his paw and send us on our way. They also said he's "milking" his injury probably for attention, because he wasn't limping as much when he was in the back with the doctors. Smart fucking dog.

1 day later, he's limping much worse. They didn't x-ray him at the Pet ER since they noticed he was bearing weight on his leg and assumed it wasn't broken. I dunno. Again, I'm the overparanoid jewish mother, so I just think its worse than it probably is. I'm going to give it one more day or 2, and then its off to the vet here. Which, let me tell you, our regular vet visits here in EXPENSIVE LAND cost about the same as a fucking Pet ER visit in a-bum-fuck Maryland. Just one more reason the Metro DC region is so great!

Wanna move here? Just bend over, and get used to it.

The Weather Gods heard my rant!

Cause its not miserable today, its sunny and warm-ish!

Too bad I'm suffering from a splitting hangover headache and probably won't be enjoying much of the sunshine. I bitch and bitch and bitch about the weather, then I get nice weather, and don't enjoy it.

I'm such an asshole.

Well....I did it.

I went to the mall at 1pm. I never go to the mall at that time. I'm one of those people who is there the second the mall opens, I take approximately 1 hour and do what I need to do and I leave, mostly because I hate people have no patience for crowds, slow walkers, and lines. OOOOee boy it was kind of stressful, but I really wanted to exchange a pair of Cole Haans I bought online (ok when you say SAGE GREEN they should not be GOLD, but maybe I need to study my color wheel a bit more). Did that pretty quickly, and decided to browse a bit in some other stores - which is where I went wrong. I should have just left then and there and called it a successful day.

Banana Republic was hot, crowded, and full of rude people tearing apart the sale section. I feigned interest for about 3.2 minutes and then left. Tried jcrew...god that store just screams I'M PRETENTIOUS, YET REALLY BORING. So I walked in, walked out. Went to Macy's where the shoe section (yeah, I spend $100 on a pair of shoes and then go look at more...that a problem?) was just a complete madhouse. So I realized my success really did end when I left Cole Haan, and I ske-daddled.

After that, I did lots of neat things, like get gas (have I told you how much I love paying for premium fuel? I do. I really really do.), go to the bank, and then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Marshalls. I have a love-hate relationship with that place, so I decided maybe I'd have some luck and stopped on in. For a total of $15, I managed to score a set of 4 stemless wine glasses and 2 adorable ceramic dog bowls for Mr. Coops. A good haul, I'd say, and I think it made my afternoon cross back over the line of "successful".

Now, I'm just killing some time before I go out drinking with Jen, and where we will finish planning our trip to Miami Beach in May.

Now only if this weather would stop being so FUCKING GODDAMNED DEPRESSING, things would be all-around pretty swell.

I don't feel like blogging

I just can't come up with anything good to say lately. I'm just kinda miserable at my job, and so its really dragging down my sharp wit and stellar sense of humor, which makes blogging fucking lame.

So after typing that last sentence, I sat here and stared at my screen thinking of what else I can write. Uh...

I still have a lot of carrots left. I didn't put enough effort into using them too much. But, they are still fresh, no worries mate. I checked. So far I've done stir fry and vegetable soup. "How un-creative, Mel!!!" you cry? Fuck you.

I made jambalaya pasta tonight, and even went all out and used andouille. It was really good. This week is a good cooking week. Perhaps I should just see that as the only positive thing going on right now and smile. I haven't sliced off a finger, given anyone food poisoning, or made something inedible. Now, it is only Wednesday after all so there's plenty of time left for me to fuck up, so I'm going to knock on my wood nightstand and hope that I didn't just jinx myself. Cause that is really how things are going lately.

Eh. In other news, we are taking a trip up to Ocean City the last week of April and we get to take Mr. Coops with us because they have dog friendly beaches and hotels. PLEAAAAAAAASE I need some good weather. PLEEEASE. I don't know what's going on but I just can't handle this COLD anymore. My fingers and toes are constantly freezing, my office is freezing, I'm just SICK OF IT.

WOW I am throwing myself one hell of a pity party.

A shitload of carrots, and other amazing stories

I'm fighting off some kind of head cold that is driving me NUTS, and I'm hoping when I wake up tomorrow morning I will feel 138% instead of the 78.9% I'm feeling right now. Reaching a point at work where if I miss a day (ok, if I miss a day that is Monday - Thursday...I've come to notice Fridays are almost a waste and I should really not bother coming to work, but I'll save that for another post) I'm like, a black hole of behindedness. Or something like that. Basically it sucks.

Um, so there was no point there except to say that I CANNOT AFFORD TO MISS WORK. So cold, get the fuck out of my head cause I ain't got time for your SHIT.

I went to Wal Mart today (or, as I like to call ours, Central America) and then to Safeway for some groceries. Our Wal Mart stresses me out so badly that I typically only go once every 3 months or so, because it takes me that long to recover from each trip there. Today I picked up some towels, pillows, other stupid junk of a smiliar nature that Wal Mart serves a purpose for. I also heard more Spanish than I needed to, and oh man the clothes that some people were wearing holy FUCK do you look at yourself before you leave the house? Like for real? My god. Picture: chubby woman about 5'5", in tight tight tight jeans, a shirt that only goes to right below her boobs, and her massive stomach hanging out over her pants, exposed for the whole world to see. Now, this almost made me turn around and walk right out of Wal Mart. Seriously. But, I stuck it out, got what I needed and ran like hell out of that store. My god.

Safeway, hmm...anything exciting to report...I bought a 5 pound bag of carrots because it was on sale for $1.99 and the normal bag I get (like, 1 or 2 lbs?) was also $1.99, I figured why not. Now I have to figure out what I can start putting carrots in because I now have an assload of them. If you have a good carrot recipe let me know cause I'm kind of stumped. I'm going to do a veg soup, was also thinking some roasted balsamic glazed carrots may be good with steaks this week...and that's about all I got. So help me. Pleeaze.

Oh yes, we entered Mr. Coops in a St. Pat's costume contest, but he didn't win, mostly because we got stuck in the back and the judge never even saw them. But jesus does that dog command attention. I shit you not, at least 30 people stopped to talk to us about him or pet him or whatever. He is such the attention whore. I will post a picture of his costume when I've got some energy.

That is all for now, I think. I'll post on my progress with my 5 pounds of carrots so in case you find yourself with a mother f-ing bushel of carrots, you'll know exactly what to do.

My newest vice

Is reading celebrities' twitter pages. If that's what you call them...pages? Who the fuck cares. All I have discovered is that it's really immensely entertaining. Take, for example, some of these gems I saw this evening while I was surfing the tubes (and while I should have been in bed, asleep, but that's neither here nor there).

Diddy's page: If anyone is with q tip. Tell him to call me pls!!!!!
Mel's response: Seriously? You think someone out there reading your twitters (tweets?) just happens to be with q tip at that very moment?

Neil Diamond's page: I made someone's dream come true with a hug. Life is good (and the sun shines in L.A.)
Mel's response: Wow. If only I had powers like Neil Diamond's. And if only I was in LA where the sun in shining and not in this snowy cold shithole.

Mischa Barton's page: Hey guys, check out this video of me jewelry Shopping at the P3R Showroom! XOXO MB :)
Mel's response: What a rough, rough life that must be. Jewelry shopping. Torture.

Tina Fey's page: Am I eating a Caramello bar for lunch? Yes. Yes I am.
Mel's response: You are my idol.

Penn Jillette: I'm off to LA to pitch a few things. I'm want to do a movie about Vermeer and I want to do a bloody slasher film where I'm the bad guy.
Mel's response: I want to have endless amounts of money and 400 pairs of cole haan shoes. I want I want I want. Greedy magicians.

John Cleese: Thinking about tooth decay...
Mel's response: Aren't we all?

So you all see the huge social value of twitter, right? I mean reading the random crap celebrities post is just endlessly amusing for some reason. Like, I could post the same shit they post but its not nearly as cool or funny because I don't have paparazzi stalking me all day and I don't have millions of dollars. I dunno. Something about it seems voyeuristic, and fascinating. I will not start a twitter page, however, because I have a hard enough time updating my blog and checking facebook 4,312 times a day so really there is no free time left. And no one wants to read what I have to say THAT MANY TIMES A DAY. Not even I want to read that. Come on now.

Traveling Part Deux

So, last Sunday (so 8 days ago?) we arrived at the airport on time, no issues, no missed flights. Arrived in NOLA ready to party. We landed at about 1030am, so we figured we'd go to the hotel, drop off our stuff, and just walk around. Luckily (or maybe not so luckily?) we were staying at the W in the French Quarter, which is convenient to just about every drinking establishment known to man.

We started out with daiquiris, then a huge beer, then we moved on to the thing that really kicked us in the ass – Hand Grenades. They are made with Everclear, but taste like fruity deliciousness. Our mistake was having TWO of them. Oops. So, we took our Hand Grenades and went out to watch the Barkus parade, which is all of these doggies dressed up in silly costumes going through the French Quarter. By this point, like 4pm, I don't even think I knew what my name was. I took a photo with a man painted in silver and a guy with a snake, which I just walked up to and decided it was ok to "pet". So you know I must have been shittay drunk.

Woke up, figured since we did nothing of value the day before (except stimulate the economy by paying for overpriced drinks), we should do other touristy things. We took the St. Charles streetcar, walked through the Garden District, walked down Magazine Street and went into some boutiques (including my favorite jewelry store EVER), where I exercised self control and only bought 2 things. Stopped at Harrah's for a little slot machine fun. Relaxed in W Hotel cabanas. Have I told you how much I love W Hotels?

Had a pre-dinner Kir Royale at the Carousel bar in the Hotel Monteleone (it's a bar that spins around, way way neat). Dinner that night at Nola, one of Emeril's restaurants. Just so, so delicious. Deliciously delicious. Then headed to the ultimate funnest of fun tourist traps, Pat O'Brien's dueling piano bar, where they ripped on Scott for...something? and where we sang and got crazy and drank Hurricanes. It was really a perfect day.

Next day, walked around down by the river, stopped in approximately 20 souvenir stores to find Mr. Coops a Mardi Gras bandana but couldn't find one (wtf?), relaxed some more in the room and then headed to the airport, and home!

Whirlwind of travel. I got pretty traveled-out. Its mostly the airports that I find exhausting, and all of the gross and annoying people and germs and $4 bottles of soda and just the general lameness of it all. I found out I may have to go to New Mexico for work soon and all I can think of is F-U airport. And seriously fawk the flights that are more than 1.5 hours, I cannot sit still that long. Oh well.

Other things to note: I am sick of Gossip Girl reruns, I am sick of the freezing ass cold weather because I have completely fallen off of my running routine, I need to go grocery shopping but may just go Friday morning before I pick up Amber from the aeropuerto for her visit (yay fun!!!), also need to go to the dry cleaner, Target, do laundry, buy new towels, pillows for the couches, and basically all new bedding for our bed.

Hmph. Think I'll be sittin on the couch watching TV instead.

I forgetted to write, now I have to write lots

Well, last time I posted I was sulking in my hotel room, getting ready to leave California. Phew, thank god. I am totally NOT a west-coast person. Scott was hoping I would go there, fall in love with it, and call him and tell him we had to move there immediately.

Sorry, no dice.

So, with me, there always has to be some kind of dramatic situation which I've ultimately created for myself someway, somehow. And, this case was no exception.

When I'm not at work every day during the week, I have a hard time telling what day it actually is. It just seems to really put me off balance. So being in SD and having odd hours at this conference really really threw me for a loop, and for some reason I did not realize my flight was leaving on SATURDAY, not FRIDAY. Like I knew, but it wasn't really registering with me. Of course, my Iphone alarm was only set for weekdays. Alas - I missed my flight. It was supposed to take off at 645 am, I woke up at 630 am. I love how I actually THOUGHT I could catch that flight. I'm such an idiot. I should have stayed in bed, called the airline, rebooked, and went back to sleep. No, instead I'm the asshole who throws on clothes, runs downstairs screaming that I need a cab, realize there isn't one there so pay double for a black Town Car to get me to the airport running red lights, and then get there to discover, "yes, ma'am, your flight has already departed". No shit. I knew that already and yet I felt the need to make a scene.

Then, I find out that I can't get on a flight departing until 1:30pm. Um, for serious? Cause that's 7 hours. I had no options, all other flights were booked, and Scott and I were departing for NOLA the next morning @ 830, so I had to get home.

I also realized that I had checked out of my hotel, so I had nowhere to go. I call Scott, sobbing, crying, whining, just wanting to get THE FUCK out of THE CALIFORNIA. He's like, look, everyone misses flights. I missed flights. You'll be fine. Basically telling me to grow a pair and shut the fuck up. And he was right, I was fine. But I was also really pissed I had to buy all those magazines and books to keep me occupied, cause there ain't SHIT to do in the SD airport. And it was packed. I couldn't even get within 20 feet of the bar, so drinking was out. So whatever, long story short, I get on my flight and head to the layover in Chicago. I arrive there, immediately find a bar and frigging pound 22-oz beers like it was going out of style. Goddamn, it felt good. I get a call from Scott saying our dogsitter had fallen through, and I'm about to panic again but he tells me he's taking care of it. Good, because at this point I couldn't handle it. Drink more beer. I only had a 2 hour layover, so I consumed as much as I could. Oh, I also ate some french fries because I realized I had like, not eaten all day, and french fries are a really important part of a balanced diet.

So, land in DC and it is 1130 pm at this point. Now folks, keep in mind my next flight is leaving 9 hours from this point. Joy. By time I get my bag, get a cab home (I decided to let Scotty sleep, since at least one of us should appear well rested on our vacay), by that time it was past midnight. I got approximately 3 hours of sleep that night, since I had to get up and pack another bag and shower, etc. So we make it to the airport and take off to our next destination.

At that point, all I wanted to do was get sloppy drunk. I deserved it, right?

And sloppy drunk we did get. I'll make a NOLA post in a day or 2, I'm tired of typing, and I figure that was too much to read anyways, and I also am kind of hungry and want Scott to take me to brunch so we can get drunk off mimosas. I have a real big Sunday planned, you see.

Living the high life here in Viginia, folks. Keeping it real. Dirty south.

And seriously, fuck California.