the most ridculous soup recipe ever

So, as previously stated, I make my own vegetable soup. Its really easy, healthy, and good to do when it’s a chilly day. Then I put it in those handy dandy Ziploc “Tupperware” pieces of shit and take them to work. Here’s basically what I do, though you can do whatever you want and you honestly can’t fuck it up. If I don’t fuck it up, you won’t.

Chop 1 medium sized yellow onion. Sauté in big ol’ soup pot with about ½ tsp red pepper flakes and 2 tbsp olive oil. Olive oil is good for you. Use it. Sometimes if I'm feeling crazy I chop up a few pieces of bacon and brown them first, then put in the onion. I rarely have bacon, but uhhh its good. Or, as the Barefoot Contessa would say, "how bad can THAT be?"

After about 5 minutes, salt (KOSHER!) and pepper (FRESHLY GROUND!) the onion. Do not salt your onion right away, it draws out too much water and then your onions will steam. Ick. This ain't White Castle.

Then, add ¾ cup chopped carrots and ½ cup pretty finely chopped celery. I hate celery, and the only way I’ll eat it is if it’s cooked into the soup so it has no texture or flavor anymore. That’s also why I only use ½ cup and chop it nice and small. (Secrets Revealed: i have no idea if its 1/2 or 3/4 or whatever cup. I'm just guessing. add whatever amount you damn well please).

After about 5 more minutes, add in minced garlic. Just use as much garlic as you want. I used like…4 cloves. I love garlic. Oh yeah, I also threw in a chopped zucchini, cause I had one. Sometimes I chop up a potato too and add it in. Whatever you like, honestly.

Then, after a few minutes I added about 1.5 tbsp of tomato paste and some more S&P. I use the tomato paste that comes in the tube that you just put the cap on and refrigerate. Me likey. Cook that into the veggies for a couple minutes. You might notice your pot getting a bit dry, no?

Add ¼-ish or whatever cup of red wine. You can also add white. Just add something that doesn’t taste like ass. That’s called “deglazing” or some shit. Wine is key to my soup. Just like butter is key to my pasta sauce. KEYS. KEYS KEYS. I'm tired. Anyways...

Cook for a few minutes until the pot becomes nearly dry again. Then add 1 cup of crushed tomatoes. Or whatever can of tomatoes you have on hand. If you don’t like tomato-ey vegetable soup, omit the tomatoes. Duh. Keep the paste though.

At this point, start adding in chicken broth. I buy that stuff in the carton, the Progresso one is good. Buy LOW SODIUM CHICKEN BROTH, for the love of god.

So I usually start with half the carton, and see how watery or chunky I want my soup to be. At this point, if you happen to only have had 2 cups of broth (like, 1/2 carton); add about a cup of water. If not, I add 1 more cup of broth. Cook for 20 minutes, low heat, half covered. Then taste it to see if you have enough S&P. At this point I typically add more S, typically not P. Add whatever you want. Notice a theme?

I usually cook this soup on very low heat for about an hour more, covered. At some point I may throw in some cannelini beans, if I have them. So its kinda like minestrone. Whatever the fuck you wanna call it, its just soup with vegetables.

When I serve it, I often throw in some leftover pasta that I have sitting in the fridge, cause for some reason I always seem to have leftover pasta in the fridge. If you cook the pasta in the soup, it will be fine the first time around you eat it, but since you’re making this to divide and reheat at lunch, it will eventually turn to mush. Trust. It will also soak up your liquid.

I can imagine that NO ONE will make this soup, because this really is the most ridiculous soup recipe ever.